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This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's' occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a Preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
 
A man walked into the Women's Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish Bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and the Protestant bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute, and asked "So, what is the Jewish type for?"
"They," she replied, "make mountains out of molehills."
 
stone.jpg
 
So, a reporter decides to do an interview with a "seasoned citizen" who is celebrating his 116th birthday. The reporter inquires, "What's the secret to your longevity?" After a pause the old man says, "Well, I decided a long time ago not to argue with anyone." The reporter can't believe it. "That's not possible," he exclaims, "there's got to be more to it than that! Your diet and lifestyle and faith and beliefs had to have something to do with it." The birthday boy replies,"You're probably right."
 
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
 
An old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two deputy’s standing there.
“Sir, are you married?” One deputy asked.
“Why yes,” the old man replied “for 48 years.”
“Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?” the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out of his wallet and handed it to the officers.
They looked it over and handed it back to him. “Sir, I’m sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
The old man says, “I know, son, but she’s got a wonderful personality and she’s a great cook.”
 
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! !
It's a known fact that penguins are very ritualistic birds which live an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
 
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky huntin’ license, boy?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?”
The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?”
Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from?"
“The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert!!”
 
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