NO!
-
ODT Gun Show & Swap Meet - May 4, 2024! - Click here for info
A Poem for old gits
I remember the cheese of my childhood
and the bread that we cut with a knife.
When the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work, not the wife.
The cheese never needed a fridge
and the bread was so crusty and hot.
The children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.
I remember the milk from the bottle,
with the yummy cream on the top.
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.
The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn't need money for kicks.
Just a game with their mates in the road
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.
I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen'orth of sweets was sold.
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it....I'm just getting old?
I remember the 'loo' was the lavvy
and the bogey man came in the night.
It wasn't the least bit funny
going "out back" with no light.
Hung on a peg in that loo,
were interesting items to view,
from newspapers cut into squares.
It took little to keep us amused.
Dirty clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds.
But the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.
I remember the slap on my backside
and the taste of soap if I swore.
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
and we hadn't much choice what we wore.
Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
and I think life was better enjoyed.
But a huge fact not hereto mentioned
in this mushy tale of nostalgic rejoice,
is the reason we all "enjoyed" our lot
Was that we had NO BLOODY CHOICE
I remember the cheese of my childhood
and the bread that we cut with a knife.
When the children helped with the housework,
and the men went to work, not the wife.
The cheese never needed a fridge
and the bread was so crusty and hot.
The children were seldom unhappy
and the wife was content with her lot.
I remember the milk from the bottle,
with the yummy cream on the top.
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
and not from the fridge in the shop.
The kids were a lot more contented,
they didn't need money for kicks.
Just a game with their mates in the road
and sometimes the Saturday flicks.
I remember the shop on the corner,
where a pen'orth of sweets was sold.
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it....I'm just getting old?
I remember the 'loo' was the lavvy
and the bogey man came in the night.
It wasn't the least bit funny
going "out back" with no light.
Hung on a peg in that loo,
were interesting items to view,
from newspapers cut into squares.
It took little to keep us amused.
Dirty clothes were boiled in the copper,
with plenty of rich foamy suds.
But the ironing seemed never ending
as Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.
I remember the slap on my backside
and the taste of soap if I swore.
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
and we hadn't much choice what we wore.
Do you think that bruised our ego?
or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
and I think life was better enjoyed.
But a huge fact not hereto mentioned
in this mushy tale of nostalgic rejoice,
is the reason we all "enjoyed" our lot
Was that we had NO BLOODY CHOICE
A mother and her young curious son were flying Delta Airlines from Las Vegas to Chicago.
The boy sitting by the window turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”
The mother was caught by surprise and couldn’t think of an answer so she tells her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant the same questions.
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy said, “Yes.” “Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Delta always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”
The boy sitting by the window turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”
The mother was caught by surprise and couldn’t think of an answer so she tells her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant the same questions.
The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy said, “Yes.” “Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Delta always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
The little old lady, “well....Not everybody pays.”
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
The little old lady, “well....Not everybody pays.”
A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “#@$%^&*!”
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting Tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting fire to objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, wedging the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into nonremovable screws and for butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally used as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquid-filled plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DRILL PRESS: A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project you had carefully set in the corner, where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “#@$%^&*!”
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting Tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting fire to objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, wedging the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt. Can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into nonremovable screws and for butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally used as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object you are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquid-filled plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
I got swine flu, so went to the hospital. I came out with bacon flu, they cured me!
Whats the difference between swine flu and bird flu? One requires tweetment.... The other oinkment.
What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog? One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt.
Whats the difference between swine flu and bird flu? One requires tweetment.... The other oinkment.
What is the difference between stabbing a man and killing a hog? One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt.
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.”
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.”
