The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded,so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser,who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeeper, give us a lager der la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too. As Jesus got up to leave,he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength comeback to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed,"Piss off, I'll lose my disability benefit!!!!"
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ODT Gun Show & Swap Meet - May 4, 2024! - Click here for info
A man walks into the Election Office and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question: ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist: "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied . . .
"To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick!
The receptionist replied "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form until he came to the question: ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist: "Is that question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."
He asked what difference it would make if he was circumcised?
She replied . . .
"To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick!
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just roommates."
About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote :
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
your son.
Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.
I overheard this blonde at the DMV line....Please please help! I'm having a problem with my car. I think the transmission is messed up. My car works fine during the daytime but won't drive at night at all.
I put it in "D" for daytime and I can go where I need to but at night time when I put it in "N" for night, it won't move.
To top it all off, the other day I was sitting at a red light and this guy next to me wanted to race. The light turned green, I slammed it into "R" for race, stomped on the gas and slammed into the car behind me.
Any help with this situation would be greatly appreciated...... thank you
I put it in "D" for daytime and I can go where I need to but at night time when I put it in "N" for night, it won't move.
To top it all off, the other day I was sitting at a red light and this guy next to me wanted to race. The light turned green, I slammed it into "R" for race, stomped on the gas and slammed into the car behind me.
Any help with this situation would be greatly appreciated...... thank you
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage Alaskan man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry
Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one
trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked
at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an
ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in
Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "and What's the good
news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we
feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens
demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one
trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked
at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some
really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an
ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said,
"I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in
Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "and What's the good
news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25
pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we
feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens
demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting
Senior Sex
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!!!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!!!!"
An older couple was sitting at breakfast table on their 60th wedding anniversary( nekkid)
Old woman says to the old man
YOU KNOW MY NIPPLES ARE AS HOT FOR YOU TODAY AS THEY WERE 60 YRS AGO.
Old man says
WELL THEY OUTTA BE. 1 IS IN YOUR COFFEE
& THE OTHER 1 IS IN YOUR OATMEAL
Old woman says to the old man
YOU KNOW MY NIPPLES ARE AS HOT FOR YOU TODAY AS THEY WERE 60 YRS AGO.
Old man says
WELL THEY OUTTA BE. 1 IS IN YOUR COFFEE
& THE OTHER 1 IS IN YOUR OATMEAL
