This Joke is too Close to Home huh?

[Megawolf]

Walmart has installed a "Virtual Doctor" which is basically a machine that will tell you what's wrong with you. Well, for $20 and a urine sample it will diagnose any condition. Soon after installation a fella with a sore elbow went in and paid his money and left a sample. The computer printout read “You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for two weeks". Needless to say, he was impressed and after a few drinks that night he wondered if he could fool the machine. So…..he mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his daughter and wife, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. The next day he went in and paid his $20 and submitted his sample. A few seconds later the printout popped out and said:

“1. Your tap water is too hard so add softener from aisle 12;

2 Your dog has ringworm so get medication from aisle 28;

3. Your daughter is on cocaine so go to the clinic for rehab on aisle 99;

4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Go to the lawyer at aisle1.

5. If you keep playing with yourself your friggin tennis elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Walmart”

 

[Megawolf]

My wife has these days when she wants "us to talk about things". We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her "What will you do if I die before you do?”
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?”
I replied, "Probably the same thing."

 

[Megawolf]

My wife and I walked past this fancy restaurant downtown last night. My wife asked me "Did you smell that food? It smells absolutely fantastic". Being a kind hearted man I told her "What the hell.. I'll treat you!". So, I walked her past it again.....

 

[Megawolf]

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student. And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," said she.

Then the aspiring psychiatrist asked the Texan "And you sir, what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

 

[Megawolf]

How does a camel hide from its' enemies?

....

By wearing camelflage.

 

[Megawolf]

• #2,014

Q: What's the difference between an Bama cheerleader and an elephant?

A: About 200 pounds!

Q: How do you make up the difference?

A: Force feed the elephant!!!!

 

[Megawolf]

Sir Isaac Newton is standing on the shoulders of a giant.

He says "So, how do I get down off you?"

The giant says "You don't get down off me."

"You get down off a goose."

 

[Megawolf]

After being married for forty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife. . . A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What the heck does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot".





She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!". The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 

[Megawolf]

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

 

[Megawolf]

For the king of his....uummm....castle